I suck

*warning this is a long post*

Well. let's see where to begin.....*sighs* Master has been having some vomiting and diarrehea from his seizure meds. I was so concerned about these constant side effects I took the intitative and called his neurologist. At first she just delayed starting his chemo, but as his symptoms got worse she decided to have him completely changed on meds to one med. Which, of course, brings on all the possible side effects to that. Mainly strong seizures...which is scary cause lots of seizures can make you loose your memory. I know Master is scared that, that will happen again. We definetely want that. So, he is upset that he is in the hospital for the weekend having to get this all checked out. He keeps teasing me and telling others that he is there because of me. Which really hurts my feelings, but what I can say. So I am baring the brunt and it will ALL MY FAULT if he has a seizure and something happens because I called the doctor. But if I wouldn't have and he started his chemo than he could have gotten really sick and even died. So I just suck all around. I guess I am just worthless, and if I didn't have the baby to get me through this and have a reason to make it through it all I would be a very bad thoughts right now.

Oh well....

Than I tried to give advice to someone I called a friend...and he just turned my words all into this huge hateful words. Like I was telling him he was a awful person. But I don't think he was I think he just handled the problem wrong. *sighs* So Master tells me I can't respond to him after this guy says all these nasty hurtful things to me. That I am suppose to appoligize for making him feel like I wasn't his friend. He said that he depends on all these people, and that I am making "us" (meaning him and me) outcast to his friends. HIS FRIENDS...these are the same people I thought my friends but I guess not. *sighs* He than goes on to tell me that I am just causing all this drama, and that I am not allowed to respond to anyone's blog because I am hurting HIS FRIENDS. That he knows that I was trying to give advice, but that I don't say it right and end up hurting people that HE feels are important in his life. Nothing about me, or how much this has hurt me, or how I may feel. That doesn't matter I am just wrong and not allowed to even explain myself. Now I am going to have to spend my nights alone in this bed for 5 days without him...because I called his doctor. I should have never done anything. I should have never said shit to this friend OF HIS, since I guess he isn't my friend...I should have never called his doctor. Than he wouldn't be upset with me..than he wouldn't be teasing me..than he wouldn't be a outcast by HIS OWN FRIENDS. So as my father always said..and is still right to this day...

YOUR WORTHLESS CHERI...YOU'LL NEVER AMOUNT ANYTHING

I guess it is proved once again...I can't even make the man I love the most please with me...

I wish...oh I don't know what I wish....








UPDATE: Well I just talked to a friend of mine who is lifestyle and she let me rant....SO I guess I feel a bit better...but still like crap. Oh well guess I'll have to hope that tommorrow is better cause it can't get any worse.

Hana