A fustrating couple of days
I just don't know how much worse my days can get. As of today it has been three days of hell and mistakes. I simply think I am just that stupid sometimes, because all I do is making being angry or fustrated at me.
Master has been displeased with my attitude. I really don't know what has gotten into me. I just feel so overwhelmed all the time. Three days ago Walgreens called and once again told me how much a fuck up I was that I couldn't work for them. Well thats not what they said...but it feels that way. So after two years and still nothing accomplished job wise, I feel kinda unsignificant. Master keeps saying that I am truly pleasing him by taking care of the baby. But lady all I have been able to do is yell "No don't do that..stop that". On top of that yesterday Master had me kneel and yelled at me in my face about disrespectful I was being to him..sighs. So I took the baby and went shopping...because I just wanted to hide under the covers and well he was working so I just had to leave. I am so not doing well with this crap. I don't know if it is Master being sick, or the overwhelming need to find a job and keep it so that I can say I finally accomplished it...or if it is just the feeling of being inadequate that I can't take care of Master and the baby and myself. For example I have slept a total of 6 hours in the last three days. Mainly to please Master....because well I can't do what he wanted done during the day. So than I tried to get in a hurry and broke a damn mirror in the bathroom. I told myself at least a 100 times it is a supersition...but I have such bad luck I am starting to wonder.
Than there is this girl we met through a personal ad, we will call her K. She has a little girl, who is 4 and my heart goes out to her. k got pregnant at 16, moved in with this guy who claims to be a Dom. And now after finding a "slave" and he has gone Gorean, he is kicking her out. So she wants a change of venue. If it works out she will move here and stay in her own place til she can get on her feet. Than when Master is ready she will move in. Than at least I will one thing right. Master will finally be please without me having to kill myself by doing it.
Than tonight I simply ask a question on a list I am on. I was asked on this list to kinda be there to contact for props for the video of bellydancing they are doing on sat. But I have had lots of girls, since the show, ask me how they got started if they are going to add more girls...etc? SO I asked...
And the basic response from Master W, head dog, is like you shouldn't post to this list for any other reason than the video. And I AM going to unscribe (because I know it all) on sunday..and I think all the people on here who arent part of the troupe should unsubscribe to. SO I was nice said thank you and left the group. So I tell Master, and he thinks I am wrong. Thinks Master W was being his normal self and letting me know his thoughts. But you see he sees it that way cause he is a Master. He doesn't read it like me, because well I just feel like he is trying to be nice cause he knows how sensitive I am. But thinks that I should have just shut up and not asked. Maybe my view is all fucked up cause of my upbringing. But I just don't understand why I am always the wrong. Why can't I be right just once? I want to know what it feels like to be at peace, to be happy....truly happy...without fear of losing something or someon getting sick or someone saying I have not pleased them in some way. Maybe I should just not open my mouth to people anymore. Maybe I will go back to the way I was as a child and not say anything. Just deal with it interally. Because it seems the more I let out..the more I open up to people the more wrong I cause.
I am just cursed....I know it.
sighs...
Hana
Master has been displeased with my attitude. I really don't know what has gotten into me. I just feel so overwhelmed all the time. Three days ago Walgreens called and once again told me how much a fuck up I was that I couldn't work for them. Well thats not what they said...but it feels that way. So after two years and still nothing accomplished job wise, I feel kinda unsignificant. Master keeps saying that I am truly pleasing him by taking care of the baby. But lady all I have been able to do is yell "No don't do that..stop that". On top of that yesterday Master had me kneel and yelled at me in my face about disrespectful I was being to him..sighs. So I took the baby and went shopping...because I just wanted to hide under the covers and well he was working so I just had to leave. I am so not doing well with this crap. I don't know if it is Master being sick, or the overwhelming need to find a job and keep it so that I can say I finally accomplished it...or if it is just the feeling of being inadequate that I can't take care of Master and the baby and myself. For example I have slept a total of 6 hours in the last three days. Mainly to please Master....because well I can't do what he wanted done during the day. So than I tried to get in a hurry and broke a damn mirror in the bathroom. I told myself at least a 100 times it is a supersition...but I have such bad luck I am starting to wonder.
Than there is this girl we met through a personal ad, we will call her K. She has a little girl, who is 4 and my heart goes out to her. k got pregnant at 16, moved in with this guy who claims to be a Dom. And now after finding a "slave" and he has gone Gorean, he is kicking her out. So she wants a change of venue. If it works out she will move here and stay in her own place til she can get on her feet. Than when Master is ready she will move in. Than at least I will one thing right. Master will finally be please without me having to kill myself by doing it.
Than tonight I simply ask a question on a list I am on. I was asked on this list to kinda be there to contact for props for the video of bellydancing they are doing on sat. But I have had lots of girls, since the show, ask me how they got started if they are going to add more girls...etc? SO I asked...
And the basic response from Master W, head dog, is like you shouldn't post to this list for any other reason than the video. And I AM going to unscribe (because I know it all) on sunday..and I think all the people on here who arent part of the troupe should unsubscribe to. SO I was nice said thank you and left the group. So I tell Master, and he thinks I am wrong. Thinks Master W was being his normal self and letting me know his thoughts. But you see he sees it that way cause he is a Master. He doesn't read it like me, because well I just feel like he is trying to be nice cause he knows how sensitive I am. But thinks that I should have just shut up and not asked. Maybe my view is all fucked up cause of my upbringing. But I just don't understand why I am always the wrong. Why can't I be right just once? I want to know what it feels like to be at peace, to be happy....truly happy...without fear of losing something or someon getting sick or someone saying I have not pleased them in some way. Maybe I should just not open my mouth to people anymore. Maybe I will go back to the way I was as a child and not say anything. Just deal with it interally. Because it seems the more I let out..the more I open up to people the more wrong I cause.
I am just cursed....I know it.
sighs...
Hana
posted by floweringhana at 8:52 PM
2 Comments:
Hello hana. I have a couple of things to say to you or for you. I understand how you feel, that you just can't do anything right but from my talk with B he is very happy with you. Sure there are things that will go wrong. You may do certain things that won't make Him happy but it isn't because you are a failure. It is a learning process hon and sometimes that is hard by itself.
you have chosen a lifestyle that is hard to live but not without merit. For you to understand what your Master wants takes time. There will be times that may seem like they are out of your hands but take it for what it is, a chance to learn and grow.
you may feel like you are worthless but don't. I don't believe that is what B wants you to feel. Mistakes happen. Learn from them and go on. Don't get down on yourself. you are a good person that does her best and you definately have a load on your shoulders. It is a lot for someone like you, a kind hearted person that wants to do the best in everything. Don't get down on yourself if you can't do it all, you weren't meant to. Do what you can. Learn what you need to and what B asks you to.
I hope this helps...
Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap, but by the seeds you plant.
- Robert Louis Stevenson
When you reach for the stars, you may not quite get them, but you won't come up with a handful of mud either.
- Leo Burnett
Realize that true happiness lies within you. Waste no time and effort searching for peace and contentment and joy in the world outside. Remember that there is no happiness in having or in getting, but only in giving. Reach out. Share. Smile. Hug. Happiness is a perfume you cannot pour on others without getting a few drops on yourself.
--Og Mandino motivational speaker
Also be of good cheer that your Master cared enough for you that he gave you a name, not many slaves are given that much love and respect.
I may not know everything about the lifestyle that you and your Master have chosen to live but because of me being around it for more years than I want to say I have a pretty good idea of the turmoil you are feeling.
If you feel like asking a question before you do ask yourself a couple of questions, "Should I be asking this to a certain person first?" "Have I said something that might be upsetting?" Something like that. Take a step back and reread what has been typed by you. Take each sentence as its own little paragraph and see if what has been typed is in the "voice" you want it to... or simply get B to read it before you send it and see if there is something you have said or what to say that just doesn't seem right or that someone would take offence to.
I don't know there are just some suggestions that -might- help. Don't shut yourself off to the world and your training. Take it for what it is and be greatful that your Master cares enough to correct you and is willing to help you learn no matter what bumps you may roll over on your path.
I do think it is great that you have this journal to write out your thoughts but you need to stop beating yourself up over the little things you have done wrong, or think you have done wrong.
Smile, you have a great baby, a great Man, and wonderful friends.
I hope that I haven't offended. Just doing my best to offer some words of encouragement.
*hugs*
Meika
Hey sweety,
Thanks for the encouragement. I truly miss sometimes talking to you. I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself, but it is difficult to change the upbrining you had. I was always the fault even if they had to lie to make it so. So you know I am truly working on making myself better and more equipped. But I don't do well with expressing myself. I either am fuming or am crying. There is really no inbetween. I love you bunches and bunches. I hope you get better soon so we can hang out more. I miss you so much!
H
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