Rants and whatnots
So this is going to be one those rants, I wouldn't be suprised if everyone just skipped this post.
You see I have all this stuff running around in my head and I need to get it out before consumes me. So here goes...
I have a lovely daughter, we call her bitty for short, and she is 16 mon old. She has just hit the tantrum stage...and I am having to work 12 hour shift than sleep a few hours off and on while she is awake before I have to be at work. This is majorily stressing me out, and in the end my fustration is coming out in how I talk to my lovely child. You see, I was brought up in a bad home (emotionally and physically abuse)....and I started being sexually active at 4 (playing spin the bottle and masterbating. So, when she acts up my intial repsonse is one of anger....and it has taken me all my willpower sometimes not to be overloaded with the rage againist my past. Without Master I don't I could be as good as a mom as I am....mostly when I get fustrated I put elmo on and curl up in Master's bed. It soothes me and gives me time to collect my thoughts. This morning was no different she constantly wanting and needing...and me trying to sleep and not go crazy. She does this thing were she stands at the bottom of the ottoman on the couch and whines until we put her up on the couch. Then when I do she pokes me in the face...it can be very fustrating when you are trying to sleep. So, I just let her run a muck this morning. I closed off the kitchen and the rest of the house with baby gates. Turned on elmo and let her go.....I just hope that I can find ways to overcome my past abuse and not place it on my child. I have had consuling and have been medicated with meds that I don't need in the past. Than I found a good person I could open up to, and she said is all about retraining yourself....and guess what I have the best man in the world to do it.
He has been kind, gentle, patient, but still firm and in control. This makes our relationship counter balace each other. When I am sad he is happy, and vica versa. He is my rock, and through him I see our future. I have know come to grips with the fact that we got smacked in the face with his cancer. I know, with doctors reviews, that he will be around a long time. I truly don't know how I would make it without him. When people ask if I would remarry or reenslave to someone else, I immediately say NO. Because it was a big risk that I took with Master....and I would NEVER want to put our children in jeopardy of being damaged the way I was. I refuse to allow them to be hearded like cattle or stompt on like ants.
This all brings me back to the point of this lengthy thinking.... I have been reading Lee Erotic...and as I do I see all the reasons why I say I will never reenslave. Besides once the one and only is gone, how can you replace him?
SO, I think to myself.....how do I overcome all this stress with her tantrums? I have a good friend that advices me on things since shes older...but it isn't truly helping. Sometimes I feel like I not meet my intended goals and that makes me depressed.
Master has been talking to this other man in Phily. I told you all about him, well he's convinced Master to get a disciplining tool in the house. It is called a kurt, and it's a nasty thing from what I hear. Now I am a BIG pain endorphin slut...but just pain for punishment I am not sure I can take. I know Master will stop if I can't, but it still scares me deeply.....Anyone have any advice?
Also, our 3 anniversary is coming up..and I am trying to get ideas for a gift for him. I originally thought that I should have a oil painting done of me and the baby...but than I thought that was more father's day than anniversary. Than I thought maybe some professional nude photos of me in album....but than I thought what if someone who doesn't about is finds them....so now I am out of ideas. I want something original..and suprising at the same time. Any suggestions?
Hana
You see I have all this stuff running around in my head and I need to get it out before consumes me. So here goes...
I have a lovely daughter, we call her bitty for short, and she is 16 mon old. She has just hit the tantrum stage...and I am having to work 12 hour shift than sleep a few hours off and on while she is awake before I have to be at work. This is majorily stressing me out, and in the end my fustration is coming out in how I talk to my lovely child. You see, I was brought up in a bad home (emotionally and physically abuse)....and I started being sexually active at 4 (playing spin the bottle and masterbating. So, when she acts up my intial repsonse is one of anger....and it has taken me all my willpower sometimes not to be overloaded with the rage againist my past. Without Master I don't I could be as good as a mom as I am....mostly when I get fustrated I put elmo on and curl up in Master's bed. It soothes me and gives me time to collect my thoughts. This morning was no different she constantly wanting and needing...and me trying to sleep and not go crazy. She does this thing were she stands at the bottom of the ottoman on the couch and whines until we put her up on the couch. Then when I do she pokes me in the face...it can be very fustrating when you are trying to sleep. So, I just let her run a muck this morning. I closed off the kitchen and the rest of the house with baby gates. Turned on elmo and let her go.....I just hope that I can find ways to overcome my past abuse and not place it on my child. I have had consuling and have been medicated with meds that I don't need in the past. Than I found a good person I could open up to, and she said is all about retraining yourself....and guess what I have the best man in the world to do it.
He has been kind, gentle, patient, but still firm and in control. This makes our relationship counter balace each other. When I am sad he is happy, and vica versa. He is my rock, and through him I see our future. I have know come to grips with the fact that we got smacked in the face with his cancer. I know, with doctors reviews, that he will be around a long time. I truly don't know how I would make it without him. When people ask if I would remarry or reenslave to someone else, I immediately say NO. Because it was a big risk that I took with Master....and I would NEVER want to put our children in jeopardy of being damaged the way I was. I refuse to allow them to be hearded like cattle or stompt on like ants.
This all brings me back to the point of this lengthy thinking.... I have been reading Lee Erotic...and as I do I see all the reasons why I say I will never reenslave. Besides once the one and only is gone, how can you replace him?
SO, I think to myself.....how do I overcome all this stress with her tantrums? I have a good friend that advices me on things since shes older...but it isn't truly helping. Sometimes I feel like I not meet my intended goals and that makes me depressed.
Master has been talking to this other man in Phily. I told you all about him, well he's convinced Master to get a disciplining tool in the house. It is called a kurt, and it's a nasty thing from what I hear. Now I am a BIG pain endorphin slut...but just pain for punishment I am not sure I can take. I know Master will stop if I can't, but it still scares me deeply.....Anyone have any advice?
Also, our 3 anniversary is coming up..and I am trying to get ideas for a gift for him. I originally thought that I should have a oil painting done of me and the baby...but than I thought that was more father's day than anniversary. Than I thought maybe some professional nude photos of me in album....but than I thought what if someone who doesn't about is finds them....so now I am out of ideas. I want something original..and suprising at the same time. Any suggestions?
Hana
posted by floweringhana at 11:10 AM
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