Some Thoughts

You know I was reading a neighbors blog today about a path. It was a old post she wrote but it sure stirred a lot of memories in me. A lot I haven't written about here or anywhere. No one in particular that I would have to worry about ever reading this, but it is awfully scary to expose stuff to the world that you have never even told the man you call Master. The thoughts in your head, the moments of crying yourself to sleep. The lonlinees and wanted to just flee. The seconds of standing outside "safety police" offices and wanting to walk in and "tell someone". The fear of foster homes, and the streets keeping me placed in the circle and path I lived until I left. I spoke for long hours to my mother the other night. Told her things about my first husband that she never knew. Of course, she lived in the past. Saying things like "you should have told us" or "we would have thought of something". I tried to tell her how hard it was to even tell her now some 10 years later. How could I possibly tell someone that never loved me that...or what was going on? How can you describe the fear and pain you felt every night, if you felt similiar to that all your life? How can you tell someone who never stood up for you...to now stand up for you? How would have that ended? Would we all have been dead?

And now I am sitting in a spot of trying to complete the process of having full custody of my oldest. As I sat down to talk to Master, and had a powerful motivator of a feeling (after talking to a lawyer). To just have it crushed to see the look in his eyes when he said, if we file than we will have to side the young ones to my bothers. That we would be putting our lives at risk everyday. I know his fear that they could come after us, but I really think in the pit of my stomach they wouldn't just because they said it to simply instil fear. I know how he feels that we would be taking a huge risk with our family. I also know he doesn't want to say all these things and seem unsupportive. So what I am to do? Do I take a huge risk and look for the papers in the courts and file, and try to locate at the cost of revenge out of fear? OR do I never try like I have always done and what will that do to me? How do you overvcome a life pre-written to you?

I fear so much of leading my kids into the hells of my path or worse that somedays I wish I could just walk away. I stay because I love them and Master but today just pulled all my thoughts out again.

So here I am again at a crossroads. How do you know what path is the right one?

Hana