The stress of life

So Master and me had a bit of a tif last night. Bitty was completely fussy with her teeth (cutting her 2 year molers) and having to be woken up twice to go someplace. I was trying to put her into bed, and looking all over the place for her night light. (On a side note: When Master is home with the kidos the house becomes a war zone. I know this and should be prepared, but everytime it drives me nuts). So, I have to put the screaming child down to go search for the light she pulled out of the wall. Master is looking, and I guess Bitty chunked her sippy cup over the kiddy gate and it exploded all over the title floor. This all unknown to me, due to the fact that I am in her bedroom on the other side of the house looking for the light. Master yells down the house..."What the heck is this?" I don't answer cause I figure he is talking to himself....I mean how would I know I am on the other side of the house. He yells again about something on the floor and did I do this? Me? Why the heck would I , and what would I be doing? He explains later that he thought I was so pissed I threw the cup at him? That so doesn't make sense, since I have never thrown anything at him (mad or not). But this is what he thought. I yell back down the hall, "I really have no idea, I am looking for the light". For some reason this doesn't compute as a answer to him..and he continues to yell. I finally find the light, get the baby and bed..and off to the Master I go. This is when I realize that what he is yelling about is the spilled milk on the floor. So I walk past him, get a rag and wet it to get it off the floor. He is upset now, and I just completely ignore it. I probably shouldn't have, but I'm upset and I am trying to not take his head off. He reacts by pulling on my hair and fussing about ignoring him...and than storms off. Now, let me stop it here and say that Master has never hurt me EVER. But because of my past, when Master even slightly goes physical for punishment I tend to have a problem handling it. In the past I have gone hysterical....but in this situation I just stood there took a couple of breaths and started to clean the floor. Master came over and helped me, and then I went for a walk and got the mail. Then I ate dinner, and went and sunk into a bath. Master came in and we talked for a good 1 hour or two. Master expressed how upset it made him that I didn't respond, when I explain that I had. He than talk to me about how in situations like this he feels conflicted about which avenue to take. He says it's so hard to know and read me in those situations, to try to find the degree of what I can take and what the right action is to take. It's not that he doesn't think there is a action that should be taken, there is just so many choices. I appoligized and told him I should have come over and seen, and expressed my fustrations and gave suggestions in my mind of what could have worked. But it is hard for me because I am slave...and he is Master. We have tried mentors in the past, and they have never worked out. So as I told Master, he is going in blind, and in doing so he takes a huge risk each time he does something (control, sexual, etc). But that it is the only way to find out how to become who he wants to be, and for me to become what he wants me to be. That there are going to be times that this happens, and all you can do is learn. He talked to me for a long time and I talked back with my opinions and then he gave me a bath. He hasn't done this since I was pregnant. I truly enjoy it, but we just haven't had the time. He washes me, hair and body...and than shaves my legs and puss. It is so relaxing. He than wraps a towel around me, and lets me dry off. He finishes it off by brushing my hair. It is in these intimate moments that I find his love, and know how hard it is for him. I know this journey in the end will reap great rewards...but last night was a upside down in a roller coaster. Such is life sometimes...maybe someday we will both have someone close that we can confide in. I truly hope so..

Hana