Walls a crashing
There is a couple of reasons I have been posting what some would call "fluff" for a couple days. I have tired and debated about writing about it at all, because it truly is a deep thought of mine and I still haven't truly worked it all out in my head. But I thought today maybe I should just ramble and let it lie at that.
So let's begin....
For about a month I have been feeling sick, not wanting to eat, being utterly exhausted, etc. Many thing ran through my head at the cause (stress, pregnancy, etc). When it almost came clear on Friday that I was probably pregnant I was literally cusing up and down the hall. Now please understand I desperately want another child, but now is NOT a good time. Master and I have been playing with fire, forgetting birth control or other things happening to just touch that edge. I think in some ways we do it on purpose. Then the weekend passed slowly, I told myself if by Monday I hadn't started I'd take a test. I told myself not to get disappointed if I'm not. I mean there is a huge risk of birth defects for the next year until the meds are out of Master's system. And than the job not being perm, and the house not holding another child. I mean truly FUCK. Then sunday hit and when I saw the first drop of blood, I told myself it was just because Master fucked me good that morning and so I wasn't starting. But in the end I was, and I had mixed feelings again. Master and I went through 2 years of trying for Bitty, and now that we aren't trying for some reason when I am late I starting wanting. But this time I just was a relieved and sad, I didn't cry but I wasn't happy. The rest of the night flew by, and mind drifted to the week ahead. Bitty was having her upcoming surgery on Tuesday, so I put all my worries and stress into her events. The day came and I dealt with the wicked nurse who had no name badge and wanted to take my child. Than she was suprised when I wouldn't hand her to her. I MEAN REALLY! Bitty came through just fine, though she is so clingy and cranky. She is back at the sitters today, and Mimi says she is doing fine. So were am I? Well here...inbetween a world of "I need to be beaten..." and a world of "consume my fine darkness". I have been in these places before and for some reason Master always knows and pulls me out. But this time I think I am hiding it to well, or is he just not paying attention anymore? My fears of the old days are rising, and my mind is drifting into questioning my life. I truly don't know what caused this path to form, but it has blown over me unexpectantly and I am so suprised I didn't have my shields up. So here I sit trying to figure out how I express to the man I love that I can't feel him. And what the fuck does that mean anyway? I really don't know......maybe I'll find my way...
Hana
So let's begin....
For about a month I have been feeling sick, not wanting to eat, being utterly exhausted, etc. Many thing ran through my head at the cause (stress, pregnancy, etc). When it almost came clear on Friday that I was probably pregnant I was literally cusing up and down the hall. Now please understand I desperately want another child, but now is NOT a good time. Master and I have been playing with fire, forgetting birth control or other things happening to just touch that edge. I think in some ways we do it on purpose. Then the weekend passed slowly, I told myself if by Monday I hadn't started I'd take a test. I told myself not to get disappointed if I'm not. I mean there is a huge risk of birth defects for the next year until the meds are out of Master's system. And than the job not being perm, and the house not holding another child. I mean truly FUCK. Then sunday hit and when I saw the first drop of blood, I told myself it was just because Master fucked me good that morning and so I wasn't starting. But in the end I was, and I had mixed feelings again. Master and I went through 2 years of trying for Bitty, and now that we aren't trying for some reason when I am late I starting wanting. But this time I just was a relieved and sad, I didn't cry but I wasn't happy. The rest of the night flew by, and mind drifted to the week ahead. Bitty was having her upcoming surgery on Tuesday, so I put all my worries and stress into her events. The day came and I dealt with the wicked nurse who had no name badge and wanted to take my child. Than she was suprised when I wouldn't hand her to her. I MEAN REALLY! Bitty came through just fine, though she is so clingy and cranky. She is back at the sitters today, and Mimi says she is doing fine. So were am I? Well here...inbetween a world of "I need to be beaten..." and a world of "consume my fine darkness". I have been in these places before and for some reason Master always knows and pulls me out. But this time I think I am hiding it to well, or is he just not paying attention anymore? My fears of the old days are rising, and my mind is drifting into questioning my life. I truly don't know what caused this path to form, but it has blown over me unexpectantly and I am so suprised I didn't have my shields up. So here I sit trying to figure out how I express to the man I love that I can't feel him. And what the fuck does that mean anyway? I really don't know......maybe I'll find my way...
Hana
posted by floweringhana at 10:18 AM
7 Comments:
OH sweetie.....i am here if you need a friend. i have been in that spot of not knowing if i was pregnant and not wanting to know. The emotions overflow you no matter what way things turn out. Just know that you have friends here and if there is anything i can do just let me know.
i also want to suggest that talking with your Master about your feelings is the best way to cure them. Just my little opinion, and i know it can be difficult.
Lucy,
I know and I am sure somewhere in my head he knows. He wanted to talk on Sunday night, but I just shrugged it off. And last night after work 12 hours and than coming home cleaning (Master and the kids were home ALL DAY), and spending 4 hours seperating avon. I was in no mood to talk, I simply wanted to sleep. I always do eventually talk to him, but I want him to NOTICE without me saying something sometimes. I want him to tune in.. It's hard to explain. Master and I have been together so long we get in these runts were he is relaxed, I am relaxed and we are just going about our lives. Though thats wonderful and I enjoy it, when stuff happends on top of each other I tend to tumble. After 5 yrs I want him to see it coming...I don't if I'm explainig it right...Anyway thanks for your sweet thoughts.
Hana
i totally understand how you are feeling. After all the time spent with Master i think He should be able to "read" me more. He should understand my signs and respond.
When i finally talk to Master He says that He isn't a mind reader and it isn't fair for me to expect that. i usually respond with something like....You should just know....or can't He see it in my actions and my face.....can't He just feel it. then i realize that Master is male and i smile because the answer to all of that is NO!
If you do wish to talk more i have chat or my personal email....just let me know.
take care Hana
Slave lucy
sure email me @ cherisseDOTavonATyahooDOTcom
*hugs* I wish I were able to help some how... take care of your sweet woman and know you are in my thoughts this week.
I know you'd help if you were closer dear, and I will tell you what you tell me SOON. It is more that I get in these slumps and see them coming, and Master does nothing to stop them from coming. This I dont understand...I know there must be a reason he lets them hit instead of stopping them, but it is very stressful during these moments. Especially when I have no other girl that I can pick up the phone and call and talk to about it. I KNOW I KNOW SOON!!! I have no patience. LOL
Hana
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