The seesaw

Today I am going to write about balance and how it plays out in my life. I have had lots of people over the years say things to me like: Your so happy, your so sweet, your so nice, your so strong, your amazing, etc. But what people don't realize is a I hid behind huge walls of brick and morter. Things I have built for years, so have not been up that long...some have been up a long while. So when I write about my past I write it from behind the multitude of walls. It's like looking in from a crack and know there's this huge wall infront and so no harm and no feeling. When I lived in those moments it was nothing like that, my fear and depression was serious and devastating. When I met my ex I was ready to die, and would have chose it if my best friend at the time didn't pull me out and show me there was a reason to live. It cost me a lot to leave my ex. 4 years without my oldest and not knowing were she was. It hurts still today, and each time she leaves to see her dad I worry they will run with her again. So I live my life on a seasaw of sorts. On the right is the slave I think I want. You know the kneeling, the nudity, the completeness into the abyss. On the left is my imitate family and friends. My kids stand right next to me on this side, and as you slowly stretch out to my parents more and more walls come up and more and more mask come on. So when someone from church who hears the story of my husband being diagnosed with cancer 2 months after our premature infant was born, and they say to me your so strong. They really have no idea what lives inside me, what grows like a vine over each wall. I have to spray just to keep it away from ever touching me. Than there is the middle were I think all is peach. But it really isn't. I am not what I want to be as a mother,slave, or wife. Anytime I start to move to the right to gain more of myself I fall so hard and so fast I have trouble recovering. My Master lifted his hand to slap me about over a year ago. I cried for three days and he never touched me. But if he totally walked away, we removed the collars and all that it involved I would be on shaking ground I would loose my connection with the world again. Some of you know that I stripped for many years after leaving my ex. I needed the money and I had to find a way to get it. The money came easy, and the men came even easier. Life there was sweet, and I could buy whatever I wanted. The catch? The alcohol to hide my soul and my heart, the woman I became so manipulating. I had become so good at it that I could watch a man walk in and know whether he had money, and if I could get it from him with just one glance. It took me getting pregnant to get out of the business, and still today I have trouble leaving the easy money behind. My father refuses to talk to me, and though thats devastating it's own right I desperately need to talk to him. I don't know why he never encouraged me a day in my life. But it's like this addiction. TheBee he says that if we have a boy and my dad calls he is going to tell him that he knows what kind of person he is now and that the kids don't need that kind of person in their lives. I know he is right, i know they are better off with people that love them complete. But he's my dad and it's so painful and so hard. It tears me up inside to think I have to say to him...ENOUGH! I just don't have it in me. Why am I telling you all this? Well I know some who have fallen off their seesaw lately, and I want them to know your not alone.

Anyway meet my seesaw life

Hana
~Robert's little flower~