A interesting weekend

To begin I got a tentative job at Walgreens starting late next week. The problem is I won't find out if the schedule is going to work until the following week. So it is all kinda up in the air til than. I truly hope it works out cause it could be wonderful for me. :) Or if God has a better plan that it comes along soon.

As for Master he is doing wonderful with his treatments. Sometimes a little sick, but mostly good. I am so happy for that I was worried he would be feeling down.

Last night we went to a halfa (a belly dance open mic thing). Some of the girls in the DG list were performing and it was breathing taking. I am so glad we got to go, especially w/o bitty. She didn't get a nap yesterday and so she slept the whole time we were gone. Made Master's mom disappointed, but I was happy. Than we went to eat afterwards, I got to go a roaming around the tables. Flirting a bit here and there, and got a really nice (WEG) kiss from one of the Masters. He is absolutely wonderfully kisser, but not my normal type. He is a Dom not a Gor, and so a little comfy let me make sure your ok. Though that is wonderful, sometimes you just want to not know you can wrap him around your finger...but hey he can flog good...so 2 points.

Anyway we are going over to the Walkers today so we will see how that turns out.

Lots of Love,

Hana

Hana's Adventure

Well yesterday I was suppose to go get this mri to check on my disk and ligments for my hip. So I drive a hour down the way and just having a good ole time. I walk in the office, they bring me back and hand me a gown. She says "Put all your clothes and things in the cupbard, No metal and met me ouside." So what do I do? I go about undoing all my clothes, take off my glasses and wedding ring. I put all the stuff in the cabinet and walked out. I go down the hall to the mri room and the nurse smiles....and here is how it went

Nurse: Please sit on the edge

Hana Ok (sits)

Nurse: Please remove your necklace

Hana: What necklace?

(eerie silence, nurse left hand rises and points. Giving Hana a "your that stupid are you?" look)

(Hana smiles a moment, touches her collar unknowningly, gulps and lets out a bit of a breath)

Hana: UMmmmmmm

Nurse stares and it slowly sinks in that I truly didn't remember it, and now I am having problems taking it off. She crosses her arms and stares at me.

Hana: Ummm...silence...I can't remove it. I guess I will have to reschedule.

Nurse: You can't!? OKKKKKkkkkk...well lets try it and than we will reschedule.

(Hana now three shades of purple lays back and gets slowly entered in the mri thing. She feels chocking and is rolled back out.)

Nurse sighs "Go ahead and change and we will reschedule"

(Hana rushes down the hall and hurringly gets dressed. She then goes aroudn to the front and watches the whispering nurse stop and stare. I go over to the phone, pick it up and dial the home number)

Master: Hello?

Hana: Yes, I am coming home.

Master: Why?

Hana: Cause I didn't bring the key to the necklace...

Master: What I can't hear you?

Hana repeats louder, more whispers

Master laughs and says "Do they have a small screwdriver or allen wrench?"

Hana: I don't know I didn't ask.

Master: Well ask and if not reschedule.

Hana looks at the staring nurses "Ok. I will...Loves"

Master: Ok. Bye

I than go up to the gossiping hens and ask "Do you have a allen wrench?" Nurse looks at me again like I have lost my mind. "What's a allen wrench?" she ask. I than go into describing it. She shakes her head, I reschedule and get out of there.

I just could have died!

That was my adventure,

Hana

Let me carry some of your load

You know I have a great support system! I spoke to some of our lifestyle friends who have been very supportive, one (j) is a lifesaver. She is a christian and in the lifestyle sooo I love talking to her. She said "I know how it is when you feel like you can't move forward or take one more step, but you can't move back cause you have gone so far...you just stuck. But let me carry some of your load so I can help you walk. That is what I am here for". Oh how much that was needed to here, it just popped on a light bulb. Why am I trying to carry this all by myself? Master wants to help, people in the lifestyle and at our church our give a outpowering of love an comfort, everyone is trying to carry some of the rocks and I am just not letting them. I need to have others help me...STOP TRYING TO DO IT ON YOUR OWN, LET ME HELP YOU! DUH! I need to let God help me through the other people in our lives. I need to have people help carry the rocks, because I am not strong enough to carry it on my own. I need to realize that this burden wasn't meant to be handled on my own. It was meant to be shared little by little so that with small bits each of us can move. What an inspiration...a light bulb. I am so glad GOD put j in our lives she is a wonderful god sent of an angel. So I am going to allow some of my load to be carried by others. I am going to pass out my rocks and than let that rock be worried about by the person holding it. I don't have to do this alone, I have many many people who would love to hear from me. I can do this one step at time with others help.

I will make it to your arms JESUS!

Hana

I suck

*warning this is a long post*

Well. let's see where to begin.....*sighs* Master has been having some vomiting and diarrehea from his seizure meds. I was so concerned about these constant side effects I took the intitative and called his neurologist. At first she just delayed starting his chemo, but as his symptoms got worse she decided to have him completely changed on meds to one med. Which, of course, brings on all the possible side effects to that. Mainly strong seizures...which is scary cause lots of seizures can make you loose your memory. I know Master is scared that, that will happen again. We definetely want that. So, he is upset that he is in the hospital for the weekend having to get this all checked out. He keeps teasing me and telling others that he is there because of me. Which really hurts my feelings, but what I can say. So I am baring the brunt and it will ALL MY FAULT if he has a seizure and something happens because I called the doctor. But if I wouldn't have and he started his chemo than he could have gotten really sick and even died. So I just suck all around. I guess I am just worthless, and if I didn't have the baby to get me through this and have a reason to make it through it all I would be a very bad thoughts right now.

Oh well....

Than I tried to give advice to someone I called a friend...and he just turned my words all into this huge hateful words. Like I was telling him he was a awful person. But I don't think he was I think he just handled the problem wrong. *sighs* So Master tells me I can't respond to him after this guy says all these nasty hurtful things to me. That I am suppose to appoligize for making him feel like I wasn't his friend. He said that he depends on all these people, and that I am making "us" (meaning him and me) outcast to his friends. HIS FRIENDS...these are the same people I thought my friends but I guess not. *sighs* He than goes on to tell me that I am just causing all this drama, and that I am not allowed to respond to anyone's blog because I am hurting HIS FRIENDS. That he knows that I was trying to give advice, but that I don't say it right and end up hurting people that HE feels are important in his life. Nothing about me, or how much this has hurt me, or how I may feel. That doesn't matter I am just wrong and not allowed to even explain myself. Now I am going to have to spend my nights alone in this bed for 5 days without him...because I called his doctor. I should have never done anything. I should have never said shit to this friend OF HIS, since I guess he isn't my friend...I should have never called his doctor. Than he wouldn't be upset with me..than he wouldn't be teasing me..than he wouldn't be a outcast by HIS OWN FRIENDS. So as my father always said..and is still right to this day...

YOUR WORTHLESS CHERI...YOU'LL NEVER AMOUNT ANYTHING

I guess it is proved once again...I can't even make the man I love the most please with me...

I wish...oh I don't know what I wish....








UPDATE: Well I just talked to a friend of mine who is lifestyle and she let me rant....SO I guess I feel a bit better...but still like crap. Oh well guess I'll have to hope that tommorrow is better cause it can't get any worse.

Hana

A whirlwind of a week

I know I haven't written in awhile, but it has just been crazy here. Master has been f'ckin the stuff out of me all last week. Running around to doctors, and keeping the baby loved and content has kept my time consumed. Master started his treatments on Monday, he has been run down. I wish I could make him feel better, but the time will go by fast and he will feeling better soon. We have a busy Saturday planned. First we should be going to MAST...they are having brunch at Steak and Ale. Than we are going to try to catch a movie. After we are running to Master M and h's and have a nice dinner. I am unsure what will happen there, no tentative plans...but we will see soon.

As for other things. Master's mom is here, thankfully she is staying in a hotel. Heaven at night. She is so paranoid over the baby it makes the baby so fussy. And, of course, she hurt her back badly..sighs.

Well I have to get up early early soooo...much loves for now...

Hana

Firework filled 4th

This past weekend was such a roller coaster ride. I found out one of my good friends is coming into town this coming weekend. She is a redhead with freckles and oohhh so hot. She was the first women I played with. So, knowing she was single, I asked her if she wanted to fuck. She was very excited, after a dry spell, to now have not just one but two fuckable prospects. Master is going to gain some insight into having two girls in a house. We will see how it goes. Saturday was basically friends coming over to visit. But sunday ....ohhh ohhh..monday and a bit tuesday...

I was reading some of the new Gorean book we got Beast of Gor to Master. The baby was playing in the living room and I had just gone out of the bathroom. When here comes Master around the corner. Normally I think nothing of it, but this time was different. He lifted my legs and with such brutual force rammed me into the front door behind me. He lifted up the skirt was wearing and slid my thong to the side. He than nibbled oh my neck and whispered in my ear....Such a slut... Grabbing the base of my hair firmly, I arching into him, his warm breath inches from my neck. After a moment of unclear thought he backed away, I was panting wildly. It is funny in that state your brain just shuts off. I could hear the baby cooing in the other room, but she seemed so far away. Kneel slut His voice boomed, as his hand grasped my hair. My mouth instantly fell open, red tounge sliding across my dry lips, taking one last breath before being plundged onto him. I hearty taking in his manhood....mmmm heaven. By the time he lifted my head off I was dripping and slirring my words. He picked me up and brushed my back into the door again, and with one firm push entered me. I could have exploded right than, but I held back (I like to hold back it is more wonderful blissed at the release...especially if when I want release he doesn't wish me too and so I am waiting longer)....I panted and we started in the rough hot dance of f***ing on the door. My moans became slurs til he carried me into our room. I landed on the satin and rolled over, he plunged into me again...the words Cum you slut filled my ears and I came hard and fast. His balls knocking againist my ass as he tweaked and turned my nipples. Each moment spent pleasing him with what he desired for the moment. He turned me on my back hoisting my legs in the air and plumented firm but lovignly with each coming stroke until we both exploded in pure bliss. After which I played for his enjoyment, my hands finding my pussy lips and ohhhing me off to never never land. Than finally a warm bath completed the sunday fun.

As for monday, He shoved me down on the bed of the headboard knob. Push his co** into me. My stomach pressed on the bed, his hand meet my ass. My body wet from persperation. His body filling me fulling and roughly. I could do nothing but be consumed by the moment. The baby's interruptions became increasing and so it had to end quickly. But it was still his moment of pleasure and mine of bondage. Children seem to have a way of interrupting, because it happened again on tuesday and so we had a quickie. My p started today, so we are out of sex for a bit. Though if my girlfriend comes in on Friday, than Master will have plenty of puss to fill him while I am bleeding.

Thats it for my 4th, how was yours?

The Carpet

How come when you feel like the world is going right the carpet your standing on disappears. I think that happened today. I wrote a post to a list I am on...that when in this crazy direction. It seemed to end everyone's feelings hurt. I told myself years ago that I would stop trying to give my opinion on things because it only leaves people I called friends hurt. Master says it shows their true colors, but I just don't know. I feel in some way it is all my fault. You see my Master really enjoys this list where on and because of me he fears the Owner of the list will not enjoy our company any longer. Or that this Owner doesn't believe in what Master believes in. So here I am thinking I am all the fault of it. I am curled up in the bed and than bam Master is like strip. Now I am not confused by this command, because I know he has already said he wanted use of me tonight. But I am all depressed and sooooo not in the mood. But I do..and we talk for awhile about all the negative things I am feeling. Than he wishes his service. So I go about trying to please him, but my head is just screaming "you are dying inside can't he see that". So he wants me on my hands and knees, and he thinks I am not excited enough. So he goes about beating my ass and than plunges into me without warning. So I try, but now I am just hysterical...and he doesn't stop. He just pounds and pounds. Eventually, I can't hide my tears and he realizes I am crying not moaning. He stops for a bit and ask me why..we discuss how I feel like such a losser..etc..Than he goes back to what he is doing. He tells me how he understands I have a deep problem overcoming what other people think about me, but that only he matters. He has me ride him and tells me how beautiful I am, how pleased he is with me, how much of slave I am, how I wear his collar, how each part of me belongs to him. I try to control my tears and give Master his enjoyment. Eventually, after a hour, he rolls me over and pounds into me. He tells me he isn't going to stop still I cum, he tells me all these dirty things...encourages me..and I do cum. But than I crash and burn...I am crying now and have no idea why. I feel like this huge rug I was standing on just got pulled out from under me. My ass hurts, my p hurts, and my heart hurts...my head is going 90 miles an hour. The words that go back and forth of my worthlessness countered with my good friend E's words of how these feelings are normal. But I can't seem to counter the overwhelming sadness...it is like this huge dark cloud. I was so happy and now I don't know why. Why was I happy for so long? I don't understand...maybe everyone that says I am a good slave is wrong...maybe I just not a slave...Maybe Ep is right....I am so confused. HELLO? HELLO? Is anyone alive out ther? Someone please help me from falling in the abysis of my own making...


The following are original works by "The Flower", they are there for her property and her rights to copy or use in the future. Any copying without her knowledge will led to a copyright infridgement....Please respect one girl's thoughts..

The Man

His voice rings her ears, the sound bellowing far and wide
She alone in the market square, turning to hear His cries
Races to the forest, rushing with all strength
To be stunned at a cross roads, a deep test of faith
Many days have gone, many days have passed
All the world shows is the darken path, the one once bright is now lost somewhere
She is alone in the middle of the stairs
“Look up and see the happy faces of the Love” says a voice so deep
“Look down and nothing but darkness” says a shadow
“It takes one step to move and the same to go back” says the voice
“Which do you choose?” says the shadow….

The Stairs

Remember the dream you once had of being here
The long nights of hoping this would be real
And now you stand here in trembling fear
Instead of strong and proud with what you have done
The years wasted away before your eyes
Calling to the skies
Wishing on every star that the soul would settle there
And now you have that chance and all you do is run
Poor child open your eyes and see what you have done
Be happy for the moments and strides you have stepped
For many have never made it to the first, beginning step
Yes the stairs about are dark and filled with tears
But you can’t turn your back now because of all your fears
For fears are simply that, feelings of lost years
If you lived in fear and regret you would have never made it here
So take the next step slowly and realize it won’t be simple
But know that all the stairs below were just as much made with fear
And to pass those by now they are only simply stairs
Remember that you are the one who makes the choices here
Dear child take my hand and I will show you how
For it is not as hard as you seem to make it now
Close your eyes and count to ten
We are taking the next step, no more standing here in lost and regret.

Well I hope I can find my balance again,

me